Today... _{1:31PM Saturday 28, 2009.}



I am so tired. Just emotionally drained. I kept thinking about my grandpa. Seeing him yesterday was just too traumatizing. I couldn't get over the image of him huddled on his bed shaking. It was clear, more than clear that he was in extreme pain. Hearing him wail, still makes me want to cry. But I didn't. And I'm not going to.

No, it hasn't hit me just yet. Not enough for me to physically break down in front of my grandma.

I probably won't cry until the funeral and happenings are all done with. I'll cry if I see others doing it, but I know I won't cry directly. I probably won't go up to the casket either.

I just don't know any more. I guess I'd like to remember my grandpa as that strong boxer. Before he was weakened by sickness and disease. I'd like that handsome, physically healthy, man still fresh in my mind. Someone who didn't like melted to a bed. Its too heart breaking already to be aware that he is dying out of pain, and suffering immensely. His passing will be for the best, so they tell me, so I believe.

Nostalgia setting in. How I'd like to make him more proud of me. How I'd like to give him the benefit of knowing that before he dies, he will be reassured that everyone in the family will be okay. We've long accepted that nature will run it's course. But theres no denying how greatly it will effect us all.

...


These past few weeks have been more than unbearable, from an emotional perspective. My relation ship has been so up and down as of late. But thats mostly my fault; I've been so moody. I start shit without realizing what I'm saying, or constantly complain. Theres way too much on my mind to sift through long enough for me to realizing that I'm causing drama. I've been keeping busy with cleaning, and looking forward the my g/f's birthday and christmas. There is no reason for me to deny the holidays of my siblings because I can't deal with my problems.

I just want to act normal; pretend to be okay while I accept that any day now, my grandpa will finally pass. I don't want to worry people. My mom's voice is already starting to sound delicate and sympathetic. She knows what its like to lose a grandparent. I feel like it's too soon.


Hm.

I think it will be all okay.