I should be doing so much more with myself.


Shit makes me sick. Sick in the way that I've literally wasted Six years of my life.

I'm recalling past relationships with friends and former partners, and I am stunned at how little I've changed.
In six years, these people have managed to accomplish what would take me another ten years to do.
College, occupations, vehicles, housing, traveling.
You're going to Hong-Kong for three months.
You're just graduating community college and transferring to university to accomplish your music career.
You're returning home from a tour in South Korea, but first you'll take two weeks to travel around Europe.
You're setting up stages around the country, your company pays your way, and you get to see new cities and meet new people everyday.
You're moving in to your first house.

I'm sitting in my room, in a house I still live in with my mom, and I'm going through everyone's accomplishments and
thinking to myself how much of a fucking lazy bastard I am.
I'd cry if I wasn't so busy being envious.


You start thinking about what the other side is like. If theres anything at all. Science and logic tells you there isn't anything.
Just the big sleep before you decompose. And I'm wondering if it even matters.
Another six years of sitting on the fence. Being content, but not satisfied. Too scared to end, too unmotivated to change.

Six more years of watching other people excel and achieve.
Six more years of avoiding questions like, "How have you been?", "What're you doing now?"

Always five steps behind the bare minimum.
Never fully happy with what I can do, because its never enough for anyone or myself.

Getting a job, man. Dark ages.
My own place to live. Outdated. Old hat.



Regretting that I dropped out of school at 15.
Regretting that it took two years in California to get my Diploma, and I couldn't even manage that.
Regretting that I spent another two years doing nothing with my life before finally getting my GED.
Regretting that I didn't save my money when I had a well paying job.


You learn more about yourself the more mistakes you make.
By that I mean, when you're not doing anything, when you're wasting away, you have enough time to fester in the past.

I'm 10 years old again.